My Heart is Full

My heart is full

but not in the conventional sense

I guess.

It’s full of conflict.

Unshed tears.

Silent hopes.

Raging resentment and anger.

Tenderness.

Wishes and Desires

to erase the pain

and embrace the healing.

But I protect it. This heart of mine.

I have a huge steel shield around it.

I try not to let things out or in.

And that is sad. It’s not brave or safe or right.

It’s sad and prohibitive.

And not following my own advice to feel and revel in the feeling.

It’s comfortable, not safe.

So I will try to follow my own advice.

I will try to feel and revel in it.

I will try to let go.

Heal.

Smile.

Laugh.

Cry.

Feel.

My heart is full.

A Moment

Ash Wednesday.

Stormy night turns into stormy morning. Lily awakens the house with her screaming sometime in the night and drives Allee to our bed. Allee edges Jimmy out of bed at some point and he claims her bed. I awake to a sweet little 6 year old snuggled in my bed.

It is dark in my room when I hear Lily calling for me. I grab a bottle, her, and her night-night and bring her to my room. Allee requests that Lily is in the middle of us. Jimmy is gone to work. It is still stormy and dark.

What I watch next is what I dreamed of . My two little girls gazing at each other in the shadows of the storm. Watching each other with wonder and love in their eyes. Waking up together and smiling and giggling with each other.  Snuggling up to each other. Loving each other.

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Those wrinkles next to my eyes. Can they be mine?

The extra skin on the backs of my hands and wrists–the skin that wrinkles and looks like it wants to leather–mine too?

In my mind’s eye I am the little girl with the short braids, the missing two front teeth and round cheeks tight with sunburn …eyes twinkling with joy and delight.

I am the girl in the picture–captured in black and white…a young woman with long light hair and a lineless face.

I am the almost bride–walking down the aisle to my groom. Hopes and dreams flowing through my eyes.

I am the young mother a throat filled with love, eyes brimming with happy tears, exhaustion not yet settling on my shoulders.

But as Plath instructs us…mirrors do not lie. But maybe our mind’s eye doesn’t either.

I am all of those things. I am proud of those things. I just cannot believe that the years have whizzed by.

…unfinished. unpolished.

where will my mind’s eye take me next? where will it rest 20 years from now? 40 years from now?

what hopes will have fallen to the wayside and what desires will be fulfilled?

what stories will be lived. told and retold?

 

Lundi Gras

One year and two months later and I’ve rediscovered my blog. Actually, at least once a week I compose a poem or a thought that I’d like to add to my blog but I haven’t discovered a way to telepathically send those to this space so they disappear into the ether and I go into my blackhole of sleep.

Lily turned 2 on Saturday and we celebrated by going to a mushy Tucks and Iris parade (or paranda as I like to say). It was fun and my family humored me by going with. I love the craziness of claiming beads that I don’t want or need…listening to the bands bash their way down the streets…watching the dancing girls (or boys, as the case may be)…seeing the wonder, delight, and curiosity fill my girls’ faces. It’s a tradition we started years ago with Allee and now Lily is being introduced to it. We haven’t braved the bigger night parades but maybe one day I’ll feel brave enough to take the girls to one.

I cannot believe my baby is 2. Nor can I believe my first baby is 6.  Where did my year go?

Review

I would love to have a blog post that shows all the amazing photographs from the last year, but that would take forever to do and I don’t have a lot of time. Instead I’m going to try to recreate some of my memories of 2009 through my words.

January– I remember ringing in the NEW YEAR with Ren, Chris, Roblynn and Jimmy (the girls were already asleep). We watched some stupid biker do some crazy trick off a Las Vegas structure–bad tv and we were mesmerized. Our neighbors has a block party at the end of the cul-de-sac– I was all too happy to miss. It was a nice, quiet way to ring in the year.

This month was also memorable because Obama was elected President. Like him or not, it was a moment in history that I can say I witnessed. The inauguration was attended by hundreds of thousands of people. People on both sides of the political aisle made ridiculous statements and conjectures. I’ll let history judge him. I will not nor would I ever want to be the President of anything but myself.

February–this month was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy. I had one short month to get Lily’s room together, my substitute prepared, and my affairs in order. By the end of this month I was excited and exhausted. I pushed myself so hard I had mild contractions and ended up with one of the worst coughs I’ve ever had.

March–my beautiful Lily was born. Allee gracefully moved into her role as older sister. Jimmy and I struggled in a bleary eyed haze to stay awake. I turned 35.

April and May–a complete blur of nighttime feedings, long delicious naps with Lily, parading Lily around to meet friends and family and watching Allee ’graduate’ from pre-school. I seem to recall a lot of lovely spring days. Made two road trips to Mississippi–one for Thomas’ 40th bday and one for Adair’s wedding. Lily and Allee came to the wedding with me which caused me to officially lose my mind.

June and July–more blurs. Allee turned 5. The summer was filled with vacation bible school, tennis lessons, and learning how to swim. Lily was a trooper and tagged along with little complaint. Allee and I spent the end of July trying to prepare for a new school year. So exciting to anticipate kindergarten and all of the things that come with it.

August–hot. My classroom was like a frying pan. My students were mostly nice–with a few annoyances along the way. Lily started day care and I pretended not to care that I had to give up my role as stay at home mom. Lily and I had 5 great months together–it went so fast. This month our friend, Roblynn, had a baby girl and I was so excited for her and Chris.

September–my excercise regime officially stopped. I became robot teacher, robot wife, robot mom, robot friend. Trying to juggle all of my roles flummoxed me–something had to give and it was exercise–the one thing I had come to really enjoy and hate. Football season started as did my monthly teacher dinners–so nice to make time for friends. Lily is rolling over now.

October–Allee is still enjoying school–a little angst here and there, but mostly a happy camper. Halloween was fun for everyone but Lily and me. Lily was sick and so she slept on me Halloween night while everyone else hit the neighborhood. Oh well, I was happy to be the soft place for her to fall. Claire and Bruce got married. The wedding was beautiful and perfect in every way. Oh! We also had our annual pumpkin carving party. It was a quiet affair this year but a happy tradition that I hope we continue. Lily is sitting up now.

November–road trip! We hit the road to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. We managed to not kill ourselves or the kids on the long drive. This month was over so quickly and grading senior projects loomed. Lily is getting teeth now.

December–dreaded senior projects. I plodded and plowed through them. Finished them right before exemptions. Barely got my Christmas shopping in. Stayed home for Christmas and hosted my first family Christmas Eve. It was fun being the hostess. The kids had an amazing haul–a doll house, games, and lots of paper for Lily to try to eat. It was a little strange to stay home and not do the crazy driving…but I kinda liked it. Lily started to crawl this month.

January–here we are. New Years Eve–we inadvertently stayed up to midnight because we were watching “The Hangover”.  Doug and Court came and stayed a few days–so nice to spend time with them. Lily was baptized yesterday.

A busy, happy year. I hope this year is as happy and joy-filled as last year. I cannot wait to see what our tomorrows bring.

Resentment

At least once a week I am awake enough to notice moms and dads waiting with their children at the bus stops.

I see steaming cups of coffee, dogs on leashes, bedhead, and pj’s disguised as sweats.

I see dew and fog and steam rising from wet streets.

I imagine sweet little conversations, small complaints, hopes, expectations, and vocabulary drills.

I often wonder where the day will take these people…and where it will take me.

I think of all of this as I’m passing by, in my car, on my way to teach.

I think about how one day those little ones will be the big ones filling my desks.

I hope that their sense of wonder and delight will find them again when they come to me.

I love my neighborhood for this daily scene and yet I hate it too.

I sometimes wish it were me at the bus stop watching the woman in the silver car pass.

I guess the grass is always greener, isn’t it?

Half Way In…

We’re half way in to our first quarter and I still feel like I’m just starting the first week. It took me longer to learn names this year, longer to plan, longer to motivate myself to grade, longer to embrace the school year.

My students are a nice bunch, so it’s not them. It’s me. I had 5 months off to be a mommy and wife and it just took me longer to let those things go than I thought. Allee started Kindergarten and she’s doing well. It’s her first year of school without having Alison in her class and it’s been a small adjustment. I’m so proud of her, though, because she’s tough and complains so little. She’s starting to read and it is so exciting for her and me. I love listening to her sound out words and see the shy, proud grin when she figures out a word or sentence on her own.

Lily is half way in to her first year…and she’s a little handful. She isn’t sleeping through the night –although we’ve been given permission to let her ‘cry it out’ at night. We haven’t done it yet…but I know it’s just around the corner. I know logically that she’s not going to remember it, and physically/mentally I’m exhausted. But, she’s our last little munchkin and I hate the sound of her crying. I hate not running to her the instant she thinks she needs me. I know it will happen soon…I’m mentally preparing. All of these little milestones are the last ones we’ll have of this sort (until we are blessed with grandchildren).

Other fun facts about Lily: she’s demanding of our attention. She’s starting to sit up and roll over. Oh and she LOVES her big sister. The best thing ever is to see her light up and laugh out loud when she sees Allee. Man!, does she love her sister.

The Beginning of the end

Summer is rapidly coming to a close–or rather my time off is almost over (the heat is here to stay!). I cannot believe that my baby is almost 5 months old and that my time off with her is over. When I think back to those first few weeks of her life I had so much joy and happiness at the thought of spending every day with her, watching her grow– becoming her own little person.

Being her primary care giver has been intense;I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know her routine, her cries, her everything–I can even predict the sleepless nights. I’ve found myself wishing to win the lottery–just so that I could explore sahm-dom a little more. I’ve really enjoyed being so involved with both of my girls’ lives. I miss work, but, I wish there could be more of a balance between both.

So, next week Lily will start daycare, I will start work, and Allee will start kindergarten. Where one part of our story ends, another begins.

Just Stuff

Last night I composed a poem as I was drifting off to sleep for the 2nd or 3rd time (Lily was up a lot last night because she didn’t nap well during the day). I wish I could remember it or  had written it down–I seem to remember it was decent.

I love a sunny day that gets taken over by dark clouds, gusty winds, fat splat drops hissing on the hot pavement, and the smell of water and green mixing together.

I am tired–I worked from August to March, birthed a baby and have worked since. Usually I schedule in some time to just wander lonely as a cloud but it will not happen this summer–mommy duty has taken priority over everything.

Allee is almost swimming all by herself–with a little trepidation, still,–but what a difference swim lessons made this year–thank you Gitte! She’s had quite a summer–tennis and swim lessons, long play dates with Alison and Olivia, and a few lazy days with mom. I can’t believe my baby is going to start school this year. I hear that once they start school everything is a blur–that makes me sad. I’ve loved watching my little girl grow and change and learn and love. At least I will have a second opportunity to do it with Lily.

Burning Daylight

Until August 5th, I am in charge of keeping my family sane (Allee is out of camp and her lessons are dwindling down to few and far between). In order to keep Allee and I on friendly terms and Lily visually stimulated, I am dreaming up ways to occupy the day. Here’s what happened today:

I take over Lily duties at 7 AM–she takes nap #1 at 7:30 AM.

Allee wakes up at 8:00 AM and needs breakfast–we both eat.

Phone rings at 8:30–Lily treats this as her alarm clock and she’s up.

Diapers/clothes changed, teeth and hair brushed, girls snuggle on couch together, and Allee showered by 9:30

Lily attempts nap #2 around 10:30-to her dismay I put her in her OWN bed for a nap and she is now awake and furious (11:00AM)–I go get her around 11:15 and in the meantime Allee and I are working on putting together a Barbie house (this was after she became furious at me for turning off the tv and telling her no more tv until after swimming lessons)

Work on Barbie house until 12:15

Feed Lily, Jimmy comes home for lunch and makes Allee a grilled cheese, then we beat it out of here to the bowling alley (1 pm)

Bowl with Alison, Chloe and their boyfriends (first double date??) and freeze (the A/C was amazing) and Lily takes nap #3 (with strobe lights and rave/rap music blaring)  until 2:30

Back to the house to entertain and snack the girls for an hour.

Head to swim lessons at 4 pm

Swim lessons–Lily complains of heat stroke and falls asleep (nap 4)

Home by 5:15–Lily and Jimmy nap, Allee watches Arthur until I finish cooking 7 pm

We all eat, chat, attend to Lily and Skype Mimi/Jimmy bathes Lily

7:45–entire family heads to the duck pond (I run, they stroll) to feed ducks

Drop Allee at Olivia’s for an hour of fun 8:25

I try not to pass out in a puddle of drool.

 

And that was my day.