Resentment

At least once a week I am awake enough to notice moms and dads waiting with their children at the bus stops.

I see steaming cups of coffee, dogs on leashes, bedhead, and pj’s disguised as sweats.

I see dew and fog and steam rising from wet streets.

I imagine sweet little conversations, small complaints, hopes, expectations, and vocabulary drills.

I often wonder where the day will take these people…and where it will take me.

I think of all of this as I’m passing by, in my car, on my way to teach.

I think about how one day those little ones will be the big ones filling my desks.

I hope that their sense of wonder and delight will find them again when they come to me.

I love my neighborhood for this daily scene and yet I hate it too.

I sometimes wish it were me at the bus stop watching the woman in the silver car pass.

I guess the grass is always greener, isn’t it?

Half Way In…

We’re half way in to our first quarter and I still feel like I’m just starting the first week. It took me longer to learn names this year, longer to plan, longer to motivate myself to grade, longer to embrace the school year.

My students are a nice bunch, so it’s not them. It’s me. I had 5 months off to be a mommy and wife and it just took me longer to let those things go than I thought. Allee started Kindergarten and she’s doing well. It’s her first year of school without having Alison in her class and it’s been a small adjustment. I’m so proud of her, though, because she’s tough and complains so little. She’s starting to read and it is so exciting for her and me. I love listening to her sound out words and see the shy, proud grin when she figures out a word or sentence on her own.

Lily is half way in to her first year…and she’s a little handful. She isn’t sleeping through the night –although we’ve been given permission to let her ‘cry it out’ at night. We haven’t done it yet…but I know it’s just around the corner. I know logically that she’s not going to remember it, and physically/mentally I’m exhausted. But, she’s our last little munchkin and I hate the sound of her crying. I hate not running to her the instant she thinks she needs me. I know it will happen soon…I’m mentally preparing. All of these little milestones are the last ones we’ll have of this sort (until we are blessed with grandchildren).

Other fun facts about Lily: she’s demanding of our attention. She’s starting to sit up and roll over. Oh and she LOVES her big sister. The best thing ever is to see her light up and laugh out loud when she sees Allee. Man!, does she love her sister.

The Beginning of the end

Summer is rapidly coming to a close–or rather my time off is almost over (the heat is here to stay!). I cannot believe that my baby is almost 5 months old and that my time off with her is over. When I think back to those first few weeks of her life I had so much joy and happiness at the thought of spending every day with her, watching her grow– becoming her own little person.

Being her primary care giver has been intense;I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know her routine, her cries, her everything–I can even predict the sleepless nights. I’ve found myself wishing to win the lottery–just so that I could explore sahm-dom a little more. I’ve really enjoyed being so involved with both of my girls’ lives. I miss work, but, I wish there could be more of a balance between both.

So, next week Lily will start daycare, I will start work, and Allee will start kindergarten. Where one part of our story ends, another begins.

Just Stuff

Last night I composed a poem as I was drifting off to sleep for the 2nd or 3rd time (Lily was up a lot last night because she didn’t nap well during the day). I wish I could remember it or  had written it down–I seem to remember it was decent.

I love a sunny day that gets taken over by dark clouds, gusty winds, fat splat drops hissing on the hot pavement, and the smell of water and green mixing together.

I am tired–I worked from August to March, birthed a baby and have worked since. Usually I schedule in some time to just wander lonely as a cloud but it will not happen this summer–mommy duty has taken priority over everything.

Allee is almost swimming all by herself–with a little trepidation, still,–but what a difference swim lessons made this year–thank you Gitte! She’s had quite a summer–tennis and swim lessons, long play dates with Alison and Olivia, and a few lazy days with mom. I can’t believe my baby is going to start school this year. I hear that once they start school everything is a blur–that makes me sad. I’ve loved watching my little girl grow and change and learn and love. At least I will have a second opportunity to do it with Lily.

Burning Daylight

Until August 5th, I am in charge of keeping my family sane (Allee is out of camp and her lessons are dwindling down to few and far between). In order to keep Allee and I on friendly terms and Lily visually stimulated, I am dreaming up ways to occupy the day. Here’s what happened today:

I take over Lily duties at 7 AM–she takes nap #1 at 7:30 AM.

Allee wakes up at 8:00 AM and needs breakfast–we both eat.

Phone rings at 8:30–Lily treats this as her alarm clock and she’s up.

Diapers/clothes changed, teeth and hair brushed, girls snuggle on couch together, and Allee showered by 9:30

Lily attempts nap #2 around 10:30-to her dismay I put her in her OWN bed for a nap and she is now awake and furious (11:00AM)–I go get her around 11:15 and in the meantime Allee and I are working on putting together a Barbie house (this was after she became furious at me for turning off the tv and telling her no more tv until after swimming lessons)

Work on Barbie house until 12:15

Feed Lily, Jimmy comes home for lunch and makes Allee a grilled cheese, then we beat it out of here to the bowling alley (1 pm)

Bowl with Alison, Chloe and their boyfriends (first double date??) and freeze (the A/C was amazing) and Lily takes nap #3 (with strobe lights and rave/rap music blaring)  until 2:30

Back to the house to entertain and snack the girls for an hour.

Head to swim lessons at 4 pm

Swim lessons–Lily complains of heat stroke and falls asleep (nap 4)

Home by 5:15–Lily and Jimmy nap, Allee watches Arthur until I finish cooking 7 pm

We all eat, chat, attend to Lily and Skype Mimi/Jimmy bathes Lily

7:45–entire family heads to the duck pond (I run, they stroll) to feed ducks

Drop Allee at Olivia’s for an hour of fun 8:25

I try not to pass out in a puddle of drool.

 

And that was my day.

A few things before the benevolent dictator awakes…

 

Having two children is MORE than TWICE the work. It may be even four times the work. It’s not necessarily physically demanding work…but it is exhausting. I find myself trying to give Allee my complete attention, while holding Lily, and also while thinking of the endless amount of housework…which means that really no one is getting attention. So then I feel guilty. And then the cycle starts all over again.

Some days are easier than others; I finally understand why people with kids schedule lots of activities until the spouse gets home–it keeps the kids busy and out of the grasp of the television. It also gives the adults something else to look at besides the same four walls (and if you are super lucky you can find an adult to have a conversation with–unfortunately all you have to talk about?? the kids!!! but still..) and it keeps the house you just straightened, clean. Yay for playdates and lessons and camp! I must sound like a horrible person–but I think I’d be more horrible to let Allee just veg out in front of the television all day. I know you must be thinking–Shelley, is that the only alternative? and no, it isn’t. But, it’s really hot outside and we can only do art and reading for so long…so there!

 

I found myself thinking yesterday that when things finally return to ‘normal’ I will find a better and more consistent exercise routine and then almost simultaneously, I realized…DUH! this is the new normal…at least for now. I’m just going to have to learn how to maximize my time or not hate myself every time I miss a workout.

Losing the baby weight from both pregnancies is hard, people. It takes discipline and hard work. Ugh.

Fun things about Lily– she coos and ‘talks’ now, she’s rolling on her side, she’s chewing on her fingers like she’s getting teeth…but I just don’t think it  can be possible, she’s super smiley, she does NOT like riding in the car if Allee is not present, she can grab the little animals hanging from her play mat and she likes to ‘eat’ them, she’s still super mellow.

Fun things about Allee–she’s getting better and better at tennis, she’s so self-sufficient, she just got her first hair cut, she’s absolutely stunning in every way, she looked at me yesterday and mouthed ‘I love you’ just because she wanted to,  she tried a banana and raisins last week and claimed she liked them! (oh and she ate my banana muffins and loved them!)

 

And she awakes…more later

Summer So Far

Images I’d like to sear to my memory:

Allee and Jimmy lounging in the inflatable pool, squirting each other with water guns.

Allee hitting her first tennis ball over the net.

Allee holding her nose as she goes under water (willingly) for the first time of the summer.

Lily, on the bed, gurgling and smiling her big smile.

Holding Lily, while swinging on the deck, and listening to the whir of the neighborhood air conditioners, the chirping of the birds, the squirrels scolding the cats, and feeling the scorch of the sun as it tries to penetrate the awning.

Seeing Lily ’see’ herself in the mirror for the first time.

Watching Allee walk to Olivia’s house…knowing that she’s at the beginning of a friendship that could last a lifetime.

Feeling contentment when the house is tidy and the lawn is freshly cut.

So Random

Lily likes to squawk at me to show her pleasure and displeasure…

I love how she tries to eat/suck her fingers. She flails her hands up to her face (sometimes going crosseyed to see her hands),after several failed attempts she sticks her entire hand/fist into her mouth and then tries to get a thumb or finger loose to suck on. Within seconds you hear the suck, suck, suck and a sigh of success only to be followed by a shriek of anger or frustration when her hand slips from her mouth.

Not sleeping ages you and causes your skin to look really crappy.

I hate trying to garden in soil made of clay.

Allee is maturing every second. She’s no longer my little baby girl; she seems so grown up. I’m happy for her and sad for me.

Sleep and My Babies

I don’t remember much about the first few months of Allee’s infancy. I felt so sleep deprived and it was my main talking point for weeks (if not months)–all I could think about and talk about was the need for more sleep and when was she going to sleep and P.S.–did I tell you I need more sleep?!?? When I wasn’t OBSESSED with that, I was worried about the screaming–why, why, WHY! was she screaming…what was wrong with me?? Well, it turns out she was reacting to the formula she was given and when we straightened that out she was a much happier baby. She didn’t really learn how to sleep on her own until she was 3…but that was our fault not hers.

In my infinite wisdom, I decided that I would not obsess about sleep with Lily and that I would be so much better about sleep training her.  Turns out she’s sleep training me. I totally made sleep my talking point for these last 9 weeks and have hated myself every time I uttered a word about it…but I couldn’t help it, sleep is apparently more important than I gave it credit for.

To Lily’s credit–she’s a fairly decent sleeper. Lately she’s only getting up from about 3-4:30 AM and she takes some really great naps. I’m just spoiled and I don’t want her to have a hard time learning how to sleep by herself (it was so hard on us and Allee to get her to where she is now).

She’s Here!!!

Lily Claire Gay arrived on March 5th at 12:05 pm..weighing a solid 7 lbs. 11 ounces and was 18.5 inches long.

 The last two weeks before she was born seemed to move, simultaneously, at warp and snail-like speed. I had so much to do before she came and I was pretty uncomfortable–having contractions (mild ones) from doing too much (like prepping for the sub after a full day of work until 7 pm the night before I had her) and feeling a lot of pressure. I was so happy when the 5th came so that I could meet Lily and be done with pregnancy heartburn forever.

On the 5th we woke up, got Allee ready for school, got the house ready for my parents and packed the bag for the hospital. We ran Allee to school and proceeded to the hospital–trying very hard not to be late for the 10 AM arrival time (we barely made it). Once there the process was a whirlwind of questions, needles, and family until noon when they wheeled me into the OR. Within 5 minutes of starting, Lily was born–it was incredibly quick ( I highly recommend C-sections)–and she let us have it–she’s cried and cried and cried. By the time she made it to my room she had recovered nicely and has been so good ever since. The hardest part of the day was not having feeling in my legs until about 7 pm–so bizarre!

So, here we are–a family of 4.

Allee is such a wonderful big sister. She loves Lily and offers her hugs, kisses, and songs on a daily basis. Lily is a sweet baby…she cries for food, clean diapers, or to be held–such a difference from Allee (feeding issues) who was sweet but very vocal. If we could only get Lily to sleep more at night, life would be so very good.

Juggling 2 children is interesting and challenging. I’m trying to figure it all out–something tells me this will take a lifetime of investigation. For now I’m happy that both girls are usually clean, dressed, fed and appear to be happy.

I’ve been taking life slowly–but I’ve justified it to myself: this is my last child and possibly the only time off I’ll take before I retire. I’m enjoying watching Lily give me gummy smiles and funny grunts…it happens so fast, which is why having no rest for the last 6 weeks is okay because I happen to know that it will not last forever. I’m hopeful that Lily is on the cusp of sleeping longer at night…perhaps wishful thinking??

I’m also enjoying spending time with Allee at her school–something I may never be able to do like I am able to do now.

Lily is waking–motherhood calls…